Healthy Confrontation

 I think we can all agree that in our lives, relationships are quite essential.  They are unavoidable.  You will have them, the good and the bad.  Naturally, with relationships, comes many factors that can be beneficial or damaging. For example, trust.  We long for people we can trust and if you have only known trustworthy people, however unlikely as that is, then trust has probably never been an issue for you.  On the other hand, if you've known just one person who has broken your trust then, in many cases, that is enough to damage your relationships with other people quiet possibly for the rest of your life, if not dealt with properly.  

    Trust is not the issue that I want to focus on here though.  I want to discuss something else that happens in all relationships.  It has destroyed them and it has strengthened them.  It all depends on the individuals involved and, in many cases, their insecurities and ability to deal with each other regardless of those insecurities.  What I'm talking about is confrontation and conflict.  I'm certain it's something we've all faced and failed at at some point.  And that's ok...we fail, we fall, we get up, and we learn and grow.  It's all part of our relational life cycle.  But more specifically, I want to discuss healthy confrontation in the midst of a community in revival.  By revival, I'm referring to the spiritual awakening from a state of dormancy or stagnation in the life of a believer.  It encompasses the resurfacing of a love for God, an appreciation for God's holiness, a passion for His Word and His Church, a convicting awareness of personal and corporate sin, a spirit of humility, and a desire for repentance and growth in righteousness.

    If you experience this revival, whether it is by yourself or part of a church experiencing it together, many things are changed.  For instance, your attitude, your outlook on life, your desires and your character.  A.W. Tozer describes character as “the excellence of moral beings.”  As the excellence of gold is its purity and the excellence of art is its beauty, so the excellence of a man is his character.  Persons of character are noted for their honesty, ethics and charity.  Descriptions such as “man of principle” or “woman of integrity” are assertions of character.  A persons character is the sum of his or her disposition, thoughts, intentions, desires, and actions.  It is good to remember that character is gauged by general tendencies, not on the basis of a few isolated actions.  For example, King David was a man of good character (1 Sam. 13:14) although he sinned on occasion (2 Sam. 11).  And although King Ahab may have acted nobly once (1 Kings 22:35), he was still a man of overall bad character (1 Kings 16:33).  

    Confrontation is inevitable.  No relationship is immune.  When managed biblically, it can serve as a catalyst for change and an opportunity for spiritual and relational growth.  There can be any number of reasons why there may be conflict in one of your relationships.  It could be a character flaw, gossip, or jealousy.  All issues that will make their way to the surface and have to be dealt with in a revived heart.  Confrontation is a natural part of growth and in the midst of revival, we must learn to look at each other in the spirit and not in the flesh.  When we can see our brothers and sisters through Heavens eyes, you will see more potential and destiny and less fault and shortcomings.  When you see that destiny on your friends and family, you can speak into it and help them grow into it.  The truth of the matter is that if revival is going to last and move from generation to generation, then conflict must be managed by the grace of God.  What must we have to do this?

The Mind of Christ 

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?  Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.  Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.  You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.  Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.  Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;  he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.  When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.  Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phil. 2:1-11, NLT)

    If you’re in the middle of a conflict with other Christians you might not like this passage very much. Your gut instinct is to win the battle, to be vindicated, to prevail over your opponents. But this text speaks of being agreeable, humble, and considering others as better than yourself. If you’re like me when I’m duking it out with my brothers and sisters in Christ, this is not what you want to hear. You’d probably prefer to read Psalm 58:8, in which David prayed about his enemies: “Let them be like the snail that dissolves into slime.” But, like it or not, if you’re a follower of Christ, you’ve got to deal with Philippians 2:1-11. More to the point, you’re stuck with the compelling and challenging example of Jesus himself.

    Philippians 2 begins with a series of ethical injunctions that could be paraphrased: agree with each other; love each other; be humble; care more for the concerns of others than for your own concerns. These imperatives are summarized in verse five: “Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus.” In a nutshell, we are to think as Jesus thought.  Paul doesn’t leave it up to us to decide what it means to think like Jesus. We don’t get to pick and choose from the gospel stories or to make up our own version of what constitutes the mind of Christ. Rather, Paul shows us quite clearly in verses 6-8 what it means to think like Jesus. 

   So, what can you do practically to help promote growth through the conflicts in your relationships?  Here are a few things:

• Define the problem and stick to the issue.  Conflict deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts tossed into the mix.
• Pursue purity of heart.  “Take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye” (Matt. 7:5, NASB).  Before approaching others regardless of their faults and shortcomings, prayerfully own up to yours.  Confess any way you might have contributed to the problem.
• Affirm the relationship before you clearly define the problem.  For example, “Our relationship is important to me, but when you don't return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant.  Avoid blaming the other person and saying, “You make me feel...”, instead say, “When you do A, I feel B.”
• Listen carefully.  Once you have shared your feelings, listen to the other person's perspective. Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the others perspective.  

Conclusion

    Even though conflict isn't avoidable, the destruction that often comes with it, is.  So the next time you have the opportunity to pursue growth within your sphere of friends and family, I encourage you to put on the mind of Christ and help to foster an atmosphere conducive for revival.